found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
