remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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