sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
