Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
