So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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