shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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