i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
