So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
