I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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