i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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