I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
