our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
