you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is it because I queefed?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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