Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
