and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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