i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
