if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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