We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
