Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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