Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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