I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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