On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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