I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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