Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
