I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
