im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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