Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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