Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
