Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
