i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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