Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
