Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
