They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
