I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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