Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
