I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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