ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
