The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
