You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
