I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he thought i was a dude.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
