sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
