totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
