I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
