My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
