im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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