The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
