I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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