i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
