I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
