My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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