If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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